A Frail Heart
To show our true selves as vulnerable humans in our complete body of work is the most difficult thing. To be accepted in our full complexity seems almost unfathomable. Our shame, guilt, fears, and hostilities being exposed in the light of day is what most of us spend our lives avoiding. Who would want us, who would love us, if they really knew us completely? But denying ourselves the opportunity to openly express who we are creates superficial relationships based on falsities which then need to be maintained. Relationships grow based on deceit, the delusion of a projected self. This is the hardest thing, to be true to your whole nature and the fullness of your entire experience of self.
Can we sit in our own pain and discomfort long enough to acknowledge that this is who we are as well? To accept these aspects of humanity we must be willing to feel them. Is that not what is meant by compassion? How can we be compassionate if we do not feel the hopelessness, the fear, the shame, the victimization, the loss, the loneliness, the rage, the emptiness within our own heart? Humanity pushes it down into the depths, but still it is there, showing itself in our perception, conveniently detached from us like it is “out there” and not within our hearts and lives. So we identify with the good and project the bad “out there”, as a judgement of others or society. We do this so we can avoid the pain and suffering which comes with feeling deeply our own condition. Effectively, we give this pain to others by trying to convince them it is theirs and not ours. But we are the same. Brothers and sisters.
In our best moments we share the suffering through acts of love and courage. In our worst moments, we deny suffering and create conflicts and wars in the futile attempt to disengage from suffering and lay that suffering onto one another other. But who are we kidding? Do we not all create conflict? Do we not all judge others in the same way we ask not to be judged? We do this because we feel more identified as our “good” selves when we compare ourselves to others. How would you know yourself as “strong” if you did not know someone who is “weak”? Or smart vs dumb. Reasonable vs unreasonable?
So, this is our duty, to love rather than identify. When we love, we see commonalities between each other and come together as one. When we build our identity, we compare ourselves to others, and even when we see commonalities, we grade them, always setting ourselves apart from others. Finding ways to be loving in this way in all our relationships is an important evolutionary step in human relations and social and societal development. To be loving in intimate moments is a wonderful gift for all involved, but to be loving in our daily interactions can have a profound effect on how we see and experience ourselves and each other. When we connect this way, through an open sharing of experience, rather than in defined identifications, new and amazing things happen.
When we are less invested in building our identities through relationships, we are able to connect on a level which creates a new and interesting dynamic in which the relationship is much more than the sum of its parts. Judgement is removed from the relationship as there is little distinction between people; there is more focus on a common expression of the relationship as a whole. Who we are is never lost, only there is no conflict to interfere with the expression of the relationship which becomes less about who we are but more about our experience together.
In my life, I have chosen conflict over love time and time again, as my pain runs deep and I have been scared to face it. Today, I vow to bring my heart first in every relationship I engage in. A tender and scared heart, reaching out in its frailty and desire to give itself over so that we may begin to love each other.
